not a Daddy’s girl

I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to please my father, and then I spent a good portion of my 20s trying to figure out what was wrong with me. A combination of grad school, therapy, self-help books, and radical feminist friends helped me feel more confident in my 30s; I cut ties with my father but then he got cancer and I spent an incredibly difficult year managing his care. In 2004 my dad died and I made a list of my friends before purging the folks that weren’t providing much-needed support (all three were men). When people ask me how I manage to be so productive, I remind them that I have no dependents—no kids, no pets, no man. My mother is still independent and so I don’t really have anything to stop me from writing and self-publishing. But being productive isn’t the same thing as being happy. And avoiding toxic people is wise but does the desire for safety limit our lives? I’m definitely less daring now than I was in my 20s (and less carefree than I was at age 9 with my Afro and roller skates, which my father brought back from an unannounced trip to LA). Maybe that’s why it has been so hard to develop a five-year plan. I can see my way to the end of 2016, but I’m not sure where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing in 2020. Writing? Probably. But I need to know that I’m working towards something because otherwise I’m just working. I’m a creature of habit; I make lists so I can stay on task and track my progress. I also like to stay in my comfort zone. But someone on Facebook posted a great quote the other day (originally shared by Esmeralda Santiago):

Once you’ve been hurt, you learn to protect yourself. But the most important thing I learned in therapy is that the defenses you develop as a child often don’t serve you as an adult. I was in Toronto for 3 days last week and my longtime friend’s mum pulled out some photographs from 1981. It’s such a good feeling, being with folks who love you as you are now and have loved you for over 30 years. And as soon as I saw that photo of me on roller skates, I smiled at that confident girl who already knew how to do a glamor pose even though she also knew a girl like her wasn’t going to be featured in any magazine. Do we ever regain that kind of confidence? Girls are shamed at home, and shamed at school, and told endlessly in society that they aren’t “good enough.” Some of us rebel against those messages but a sort of fog remains…how much of who I am is really me, and how much is a reaction against what I’ve been told I’m supposed to be? I don’t generally hear my father’s voice in my head (well, maybe around weight: “Do you have an inch to pinch?”) but I do still hear my sister urging me to invest more in my appearance, which is really my father telling me to “fix myself up.” So maybe that’s why it’s so hard now to figure out just what is it I want to do with the second half of my life. I spent time with my cousins while I was in Toronto; they’re buying homes and having kids and getting married. I don’t think that’s my path, though it helps to hear honest accounts of the trials of parenthood and home ownership. It also helps that several of my friends are also experiencing midlife angst. Today Sofia Quintero hipped me to this video that recommends making three lists: What experiences do I want to have? How will I need to grow? What do I want to contribute? I learned from a neighbor yesterday that the co-op board is “concerned” about my ten-year sublease, so maybe I’ll have to move from my cozy home/port sometime in the future. That’s disconcerting but also the sort of challenge I just might need right now. I’m not sure I grow without being forced to confront some sort of obstacle, and I’m awfully good at avoiding conflict! But what served me as a child doesn’t necessarily help me as a middle-aged woman. I don’t want to just “get by,” or make ends meet. And there’s no guarantee that I’ve GOT five years to figure it out. There’s so much random violence in this world and daily threats that women of color face. I don’t have to have all the answers right now, but a little pressure might help. Whatever time you’ve got, you’ve got to make it count…