american phoenix

What I should be doing: prepping for this morning’s virtual school visit, working on my two novels-in-progress, revising the poems for my second collection, cleaning the house. What I’m doing instead: watching Escape to the Country, dreaming about Chicago, and designing a fabulous cover for my new book of poetry that I haven’t finished writing yet. I did twist my hair, take out the trash, and do a little shopping at the market this morning; I keep waking before dawn so I’m trying to get up and out instead of just lounging in bed. But I find myself working around my work these days, putting small things on my To Do list so I can scratch them off and feel like I accomplished something. I spent about an hour selecting the right font for my book cover last night because that was easier than finishing off the countless poems that I started during the lockdown. I’ve got close to 40 that I think are good enough to publish but only about a third are complete. It’s hard to focus these days—I can read for about 20-30 minutes but then my mind starts to wander. I can get the first two stanzas of a poem down but then I struggle to complete the third. I’ve done a pretty good job managing my depression, I think, though I need to get back to running. I limit my time on social media, I exercise at home, I tend to the pretty planters on my deck. Today I ordered a new feeder so more birds can eat together without making a total mess. I’m writing. I’m Zooming. I’m talking to a mortgage broker today and my film agent tomorrow. Things are happening! But summer has started, we’re getting close to July, and it feels like the window’s closing on my move to Chicago. A couple of months ago I thought I’d made peace with staying put, but now I’m restless and ready to move on. Not just in terms of where I live. I feel like a chapter is drawing to a close—

maybe in my professional life? I’m not sure. I participated in an online rally () last Friday and felt very much like an outsider next to so many Canadian authors. My publicist in Toronto has kindly scheduled a few more events for me: I’ll be a guest on CTV’s Morning Show on July 9 and I’ve got a writing workshop for kids coming up on July 13. The Raptors basketball farm team hosts a literacy event for kids and DRAGONS IN A BAG will be one of the five books each 5th grader will receive. I think it’s interesting that my fantasy fiction is getting so much attention but SAY HER NAME is not. Is that because my publicist for that book isn’t doing her job, or do Canadians simply prefer dragon tales to poems about police brutality? I’ve been asked to record a reading of A PLACE INSIDE OF ME for WNET in New York. I’m thinking about how to address police violence to this audience—in under ten minutes. Kids in NYC know about the protests. They can probably name a Black person killed by police. So what can I add to their understanding of the Movement for Black Lives? There’s a line at the end of the book that gives me pause: “I am in love with my people/all people”…I wrote it 20 years ago before anyone was saying, “all lives matter.” I wouldn’t write that today. I used to tell kids it was good to have love in your heart for everyone. Not sure I could honestly say that today. I know lots of people feel like we’ve turned a corner in race relations, but I’m not feeling optimistic. Offensive statues are coming down—but we did that a few years ago and nothing changed. People are focusing on symbols and not structures. Round and round we go…the one poem I *did* finish last week is titled “I Am Not Okay.” It felt good to be honest on the page. Then I ordered some Chinese food and my fortune cookies reminded me to hold onto hope…