five years

What a week. There’s a lot going on with the planets; Chani predicted this week would be challenging and she wasn’t wrong! I was supposed to visit the Lake District today but my trip was canceled; the tour company offered us a seat on their bus to northern Wales, but I decided to just stay home. Finished another puzzle, went for a walk to absorb some sunshine, and then came back to reality. I’ve decided to go ahead with the UK artist visa and spoke with a lawyer yesterday; not sure I’m willing to pay for his services but it was helpful to hear his insights. A colleague at Oxford has kindly agreed to write one of my three letters and I’m working on the other two. The visa depends on receiving an endorsement from the Arts Council of England and the requirements are very specific. Since I’ve been working as a professional writer for more than five years, I have to apply as an “exceptional talent” and prove that I’ve sold books, made appearances, and won awards since 2021. My application must demonstrate that I’m a leader in my field with the intention and ability to contribute to the UK literary scene. That didn’t seem like a problem last month but now that I’m looking at my CV, I’m wondering if I’ve done enough since 2021. I just watched two interviews I gave in Canada three years ago because I also have to show that I’m recognized as an author in at least two countries…

Last year I didn’t get into that MFA program and I didn’t get the city grant I applied for…so why am I setting myself up for more rejection? Because the reward is worth the risk. I checked MyHeritage a few weeks ago and found they had updated my ethnicity estimate. Apparently I’m no longer mostly English—I’m Portuguese and an assortment of other continental European identities. Ancestry.com now says I’m about 30% Scottish, which is just as impossible. Since I’ve started researching my Huguenot ancestry, both DNA sites have added northern France to their estimates…is it the algorithm? Cookies? I take it all with a large grain of salt. But I do have roots here and I want to know more about the cultures that shaped my ancestors. How are settlers created? What makes a person feel entitled to land that belongs to someone else? Suffering, perhaps. I’ve been harmed and now I am owed…

I leave Monday for Dublin, where I’ll catch a flight to Oslo. Before I leave, I need to secure another apartment for the next chapter of my nomadic life. Montreal seems like the best option right now. It’s close to Toronto so I can visit my mom, it’s bilingual so I can practice my French, and it’s easy enough to cross the border to enter the US. I’ll be presenting on a panel at ALA in late June (“Poets Talk: Community, Joy, & Celebration in Picture Books”) and just got an invitation to do a Juneteenth event at a bookstore in Brooklyn. My author copies still haven’t arrived but there’s nothing I can do about that. This is definitely one of those moments where I feel my anxiety ramping up and know I have to focus only on the things I can control…