the end

My brain is wound too tight–still.  I finally had to turn the computer off this afternoon and head over to the garden…saw a new patch of wine-colored lilies and then slipped underground to get away from the pre-Caribbean Day Parade festivities.  I’ve been wound up all week, really, and woke yesterday knowing that a migraine was on the horizon.  But I had just one engagement that day, and so bobbed on waves of nausea until it was time to meet my former student in Clinton Hill.  He moved here with his boyfriend to attend graduate school at NYU, and I was somewhat concerned because they’re both transgender and there have been some violent assaults in that area as of late.  Our entire conversation was sobering; I’m thrilled that he’s here and embarking on a new episode in his life, but I’m realizing more and more that the city I love isn’t safe for him the way it’s safe for me.  And it isn’t always safe for me, either; but while I get hissed at by men in the street, my student has his life threatened just for giving his partner a peck on the cheek.  Before I left, I urged him to consider writing a YA novel in verse about his transition, his home life, his determination to live at peace in the world.  And then I walked home instead of catching the train, knowing as I moved through the various neighborhoods that he can’t move through the city like water, he’s denied that kind of fluidity.  And what can I do about it?  I had told him about the essay I planned to write, and then I went on Facebook and told a couple of friends that I had an essay brewing in my mind.  Then I sat down and watched TV, then I looked at Ball Don’t Lie, which I’m nearly halfway through.  Read, I told myself, but my mind wouldn’t sit still.  I flipped around with the remote and then finally hit mute.  Ok, then write.

I was angry this week, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing so long as you’re able to transform your anger into something constructive.  For days I just walked around fuming–partly at myself, b/c these issues have been with me forever and it doesn’t make sense to take that emotional bait over and over again.  In coordinating the Writers Against Racism series, I’ve met a number of writers whose work is unfamiliar to me.  My friend Doret suggested I contact Rukhsana Khan, who is a Canadian writer; we began exchanging emails and sharing our ideas about children’s publishing in Canada…that stirred stuff up for me, as it always does…and I would hit “send” but then keep thinking, ruminating on past hurts, present frustrations, and what looks like a rather hopeless future.

If you write this, there will be consequences.  But the price of saying nothing is sometimes just as high, and how can I torpedo my writing career when it doesn’t really exist?  So I dug up my favorite June Jordan essay and began pulling out the bits I wanted to use–too many bits, of course, but then I began to cut and paste and the essay started to take shape.  All the while I kept listening to “Cucurrucucu Paloma” by Caetano Veloso; it’s been on repeat for the past 24 hours.  Had to quit at 1am b/c my head was starting to hurt; woke at dawn with a migraine, but held a cold compress to my brow and tidied up the essay as best I could.  I’m always jittery when I have a migraine, but today my heart was pounding b/c I knew I was taking a big risk.  And I had just watched a video on Facebook the day before: “If you’re not taking risks, you’re not living.”  And I figure, my student takes a risk every time he leaves the house.  The least I can do is use my voice to speak my truth.  That’s what June would do…

Should have quit while I was ahead, though.  I got caught up on the Child_Lit listserv and misread one of Roger’s remarks–sorry, Roger.  That pompous so-and-so! Then, Wait–I read that wrong.  Sigh.  Went to the garden, saw the red lilies, then sat on the promenade and read til the sun singed my eyebrows.  And now, I hope, my head’s emptied of all its words and I can finally go to sleep…

Hit play, then look away so you don’t have to watch the creepy graphics and you can just enjoy this beautiful song…