trouble the water

I came to Toronto yesterday with a headache lurking just behind my left eye–not sure if I’m ovulating (tmi?), or if my own anxiety about “coming home” is to blame.  This morning my mother suggested we take a walk, and so we drove down to the marina; I just celebrated the end of my driving life, but up here–as in MA–a car is a necessity.  So we drove to the marina and I noticed some folks were wearing short sleeves, but I’m FREEZING and have been asking my mother for blankets and sweaters and socks to keep myself warm.  This marina is new–last summer I visited it for the first time, and took the photo that later became the cover image for Stranger in the Family.  This time around I took lots of photos in between pointing out unknown birds to my mother; she marveled at the purple wildflowers, I wondered at the blueness of the lake.  Then we sat on a rock and just talked for a while.  It feels different, being home this time.  I don’t often come up to Toronto, maybe once or twice a year, in large part b/c of my difficult relationship with my family.  I used to say, “I come home and see the same dirt in the same corners,” but not this time.  My mother has been redecorating for the past few years, and now the house is transformed–brighter, cleaner, less cluttered with junk and reminders of my unhappy childhood.  Teen years, really–childhood rocked.  Now she’s downstairs napping, and I’m thinking of doing the same…to chase away this headache, and my lingering anxiety–somehow I feel like at any moment I could just collapse here in Toronto.  Some small gesture or word could destroy me; I’m much stronger (though not invulnerable) in NY.  As we sat and looked out over the lake, I wondered if we’d really reached a place of peace–in our relationship, with our difficult history.  It would be nice.  I guess it’s up to me, really.  I didn’t bring my cable so can’t upload all the photos, but will do that when I get back on Sunday.  Time for that nap–I’m almost through Persepolis…